A Warning to be Selective of Your New Friends: Part 2
This is a continuation of our post called A Warning to be Selective of Your Role Models. I'm writing this because this weekend in the shop we had a lovely conversation about building friendships, and a less lovely conversation about metaphysical cults popping up in central Texas.
How do we find folks to befriend and practice with?
It's so funny to me that many of us know how to find companionship when we are seeking a romantic partner. Most of us know what to do when we want to get laid! When it comes to making friends so many folks are lost, don't know how to build connections, or don't know where to start. The shared spaces of school provided fertile grounds for finding new friends. Some folks keep fishing in that same pool of peers when students shift to co-workers. A captive audience certainly helps with finding folks you click with and build rapport. The only problem is you might not be finding people with your same interests if this is your only strategy. This was the reason why I started our little monthly meetup Three Graces almost 3 years ago. It was abundantly clear that lots of folks in our community don't know how to find one another.
The refrain I hear over and over from people is that "it's so hard to make friends as you get older." I am so sorry to contradict people's experiences, but that has never been me! Making friends is like getting closer to a lover in every way except the erotic one! You just have to act like you're dating your friends. You must initiate contact too, be thoughtful and considerate, give space, give gifts, and be supportive - just like you would with someone you're dating. Meet a cool new potential friend? You've gotta ask them out. Get to know one another and either a relationship blossoms, or it doesn't!
The older I get, the more I understand who I am seeking. I want friends who give love and support, who have strong ethics, who can have hard conversations, and have wicked senses of humor. I'm seeking those who are kind, but not necessarily nice. If I want to share spellwork with them we need to align with intention mightily. Get to know them and look for the red and green flags!
One great piece of advice I heard years ago: be the friend you want to have! If you want to be those people that meet for weekly brunch, go on trips, do volunteer work, plan group rituals, or visit the river every summer - you have to be willing to be the one to plan it. Just don't be the only one doing that work, lest you learn another important lesson: don't water dead plants. Don't keep on giving energy to those who put in zero effort.
I no longer maintain friendships with folks who are not reciprocal. I also don't pursue friendships with folks who haven't done their healing yet. My list of requirements has grown, and past experience has informed my expectations. I generally shy away from anyone who doesn't show a pretty high level of emotional intelligence, generosity, and self awareness. I also deeply care about other people, my community, and the world around me, and I can't be friends with anyone who doesn't feel the same.
Red Flags for Controlling and Cultish Behavior
All of that also applies when seeking a coven or folks to practice with. Remember: not everyone is safe! You've got to see if the group has values you agree with. You've got to keep your eyes open for weirdo control-freak shit, too, just like in a romantic relationship. Abusers don't tell you they're going to abuse you, they just weave the web and lure you in. Cults do it with the promise of enlightenment and companionship. They use a sense of belonging to try to trap us. You have to watch out for the red flags.
They have an infallible leader who is never wrong - the biggest red flag! Typically these leaders are charismatic, arrogant, and pompous. If this leader requires constant admiration, humiliates people in front of others, has a grandiose sense of self, it's very likely that this person is a cult leader. If you want to test this, make a very gentle, feather-light criticism of the leader and see how it lands!
Be very wary if the group expects you to comply with wild demands of your energy, money, and/or time, or if they expect you to divulge secrets. There are too many cults to count that rope you in with expensive classes or sessions, and then hold power over their members by knowing their darkest secrets and traumas. Scientology functions like this - there are several documentaries that show how they exert control by using information provided during "audits" which members have to pay expensive fees to receive.
It is harder to see deceptive recruitment tactics, so you have to be perceptive. This is where community feedback is golden. You want to know what kind of reputation a group has? Go talk to the other people in your community! Look the group up on Reddit! Sometimes there is no other way to find out the truth, which is why we love "gossip" around our shop and will never shame anyone for sharing.
Spiritual exclusivity is one that many cults require and expect, which is why we see them pop up in the metaphysical community so frequently. If they control your direct line to spirit, they can control you easily.
Cults typically isolate members from family and friends outside the group by using a constant "us vs them" mentality. The group will push the idea early on that their only true friends - and often will use the word family to drive this home - are the other members. This allows those in control to further isolate participants from those who might try to help or free them. It is truly insidious behavior!
Be especially wary of signing paperwork to join, strict rules with punishments, and/or a lack of transparency. Be sensitive to the signs of sexual exploitation and grooming in groups like this, too. Encouraging adultery is a common one. Some just want access to children. You know, you see the news. Numbers like this aren't limited to Christian clergy. We all must be vigilant!
